I recently came across a blog post by Dustin Sanders in which he responds to an article  on BetterParenting.com: Why Your Children Shouldn’t Take Formal Music Lessons (be sure and read the comments). Yikes! So , I decided to dust off this vintage post and update the links to the funny but so true Music Teacher and the Parent videos. Enjoy!

Some years ago, when working on some research, I found a chart online which detailed three basic parent types. These three types of parents, Consultant, Helicopter, and Drill Sergeant, really rang a bell with me.

The consultant parent guides, demonstrates, models, shares personal feelings, and provides alternatives. Using more actions than words, the consultant parent, allows their child to experience the natural consequences of life.

The helicopter parent rescues, hovers, makes excuses, protects, complains, and makes decisions for their child. Using many words and actions, the helicopter parent protects their child from the natural consequences of life.

The drill sergeant parent  commands, directs, demands, has high expectations concerning responsibility, tells, provides absolutes, requires immediate action, and delivers orders and threats. Using many harsh words and few actions, the drill sergeant parent uses punishment, pain, and humiliation to mold their child.

I have been blessed to know and work with some wonderful parents over the years. These parents have taught me much about allowing children to shine and grow with grace and humility while still holding them accountable for both their own actions and natural shortcomings.

I have also known some parents who taught me much about anger management, choosing my battles, and leaving the studio at the studio. I have witnessed students who were compared to siblings and belittled, enabled to do as little as possible, chronically 10 or more minutes late, denied regular access to lessons, instruments and music, shockingly over scheduled, and regularly chewed out as soon as they got up from the bench (once I saw a boy yelled at and slapped the minute he exited the evaluation room).

 If you haven’t watched the saga of the very bitter Mr. Black, Mrs. Toobiglexus, and seven year old Felicity here are the links:

TMTATP Part 1 TMTATP Part 2 TMTATP Part 3 TMTATP Part 4 TMTATP Part 5

 

So what do you do with the Mrs. (or Mr.) Toobiglexus in your studio? Thank heaven, I don’t have any problem parents in my studio right now. But, when I do, I use tactics from the series of books The Gentle Verbal Art of Self Defense by Suzette Haden Elgin to help me deal with them. I highly recommend them (here’s a link to an article, How Verbal Self Defense Works. by the author).

Some of these parents (and their children) will dramatically withdraw (and yes, it is always the teacher’s fault during these scenes) and then go from studio to studio to studio in search of a teacher who will put up with them. The saddest part is that their child misses out—not only on good parenting with all that implies, but also on the very valuable musical and character lessons gained from a musical education.

Download the Love and Logic Parent Type Chart Here love logic parents

Go to Love and Logic Website Here

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