parent handsThe issue of parents and teachers working together is central to effectively working with our students. Any breakdown in communication or mutual goal setting in the chain of student – teacher -parent (and those are in no particular order) sets everyone up for frustration at best and failure at worst.

So I resurrected this post and added more links that are apropos to the subject. I highly recommend the materials by Suzette Haden Elgin found near the end. Some parents are not trying to help their children or you. they are just out for control. Suzette’s strategies can really help you deal with many of them effectively.

To get us going with a little inspiration here is the Parable of a Blacksmith and his Son. Enjoy!

Some years ago, when working on some research, I found a chart online which detailed three basic parent types. These three types of parents, Consultant, Helicopter, and Drill Sergeant, really rang a bell with me.

The consultant parent guides, demonstrates, models, shares personal feelings, and provides alternatives. Using more actions than words, the consultant parent, allows their child to experience the natural consequences of life.

The helicopter parent rescues, hovers, makes excuses, protects, complains, and makes decisions for their child. Using many words and actions, the helicopter parent protects their child from the natural consequences of life.

The drill sergeant parent  commands, directs, demands, has high expectations concerning responsibility, tells, provides absolutes, requires immediate action, and delivers orders and threats. Using many harsh words and few actions, the drill sergeant parent uses punishment, pain, and humiliation to mold their child.

I have been blessed to know and work with some wonderful parents over the years. These parents have taught me much about allowing children to shine and grow with grace and humility while still holding them accountable for both their own actions and natural shortcomings.

I have also known some parents who taught me much about anger management, choosing my battles, and leaving the studio at the studio. I have witnessed students who were compared to siblings and belittled, enabled to do as little as possible, chronically 10 or more minutes late, denied regular access to lessons, instruments and music, shockingly over scheduled, and regularly chewed out as soon as they got up from the bench (once I saw a boy yelled at and slapped the minute he exited the evaluation room).

 If you haven’t watched the saga of the very bitter Mr. Black, Mrs. Toobiglexus, and seven year old Felicity here are the links:

TMTATP Part 1 TMTATP Part 2 TMTATP Part 3 TMTATP Part 4 TMTATP Part 5

So what do you do with the Mrs. (or Mr.) Toobiglexus in your studio? Thank heaven, I don’t have any problem parents in my studio right now. But, when I do, I use tactics from the series of books The Gentle Verbal Art of Self Defense by Suzette Haden Elgin to help me deal with them. I highly recommend them (here’s a link to an article, How Verbal Self Defense Works. by the author).

Some of these parents (and their children) will dramatically withdraw (and yes, it is always the teacher’s fault during these scenes) and then go from studio to studio to studio in search of a teacher who will put up with them. The saddest part is that their child misses out—not only on good parenting with all that implies, but also on the very valuable musical and character lessons gained from a musical education. The other really sad part is that the children learn how to deal with life from their parents behavior and attitudes and will most likely inflict the same rotten behavior on their teachers as they move into their teens and beyond.

Download the Love and Logic Parent Type Chart Here love logic parents

Go to Love and Logic Website Here

Noa Kakayama details how to Increase Your Kid’s Performance Anxiety (not that you’d want to) on his blog, Bulletproof Musician. In it, he discusses 4 categories of athletic goals and how they apply to music, children, and parents.

Fran Wilson (The Cross-Eyed Pianist) deals with the daily annoyances and joys of the personal side of teaching with grace and humor in  A Spotter’s Guide: teachers, pupils, and parents. Look for an upcoming post on parents in the studio coming on her blog soon. Update! Here is her new post The Curse of the Pushy Parent.

Here’s a blog post by Dustin Sanders in which he responds to an article  on BetterParenting.com: Why Your Children Shouldn’t Take Formal Music Lessons (be sure and read the comments). Yikes!

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